Ashley

rambling update on my life

2006-04-21T15:51:01Z

sooooo, i'm just kinda procrastinating right now. and what better place to do that than livejournal???

anyway, i am leaving here in like...4 days!!! and its crazy, and i dont want to go to royal oak at all. not even a little bit. but ah well. maybe i can run with ashley for a month (yay!!) before we kick some crazy marathon ass, and go to rei and buy things/have my parents buy me things that i can't afford. i'm going to miss my apartment - shithole that it is - haha, and mostly being downtown. but i'm pretty excited for next year, too, and MOSTLY, excited for not being in michigan all summer.

apparently i am not going to have medical insurance for the 3 months that i'm in colorado, which does not make my parents very happy (or me, i guess, except i just don't think it will matter). but yah, i picked a bad semester to go to school part-time, i suppose. speaking of which.....

my 21st birthday is in less than 3 weeks!!! and i do believe that anyone and everyone who will be in/near royal oak then should come and celebrate this occasion.

my last day at red robin is tomorrow...or at least until september. but hopefully forever. speaking of which...i need to share a horrible story that happened yesterday. so i was seating this guy, and he was waiting for 3 more people. i took him to his table and he was like "well how are they gonna know where i am? i better describe them to you"...so i was being all nice and pretending to listen or whatever...and here's what he said to me: "well, my wife...she's, kinda overweight. and...she wear's glasses...and she's not that pretty anymore." then he stopped and looked and me, and said "not half as pretty as you are"

i was so completely in shock that anyone would be such a dick, i could barely say anything to him after that. yea...moral of the story, don't be an asshole.

anyway, as usual i don't actually have anything of substance to say. alana and i were talking yesterday while we ran about how running is kinda like a drug, and i think it is, because i'm just ridiculously content when i am running a lot, and stuff just doesnt stress me out, and life always seems really good. but then go a few days without running...haha, and anything can stress you out. or maybe the 2 of us are just really weird. BUT, i just want to share with all of you that i ran 18 miles on monday, and it was really really exciting. and it kinda hurt. but yea.

ok, this is probably enough. p.s. i'm gonna be at the palladium for 3 weeks or so in may, so if you work there, you are lucky because i'll be there! and if you don't, you should come visit, and i'll sneak you in, shhhh. haha, ok so long friends.

i am avoiding running in the freezing cold

2006-03-03T18:56:35Z

so i'm in royal oak for spring break.

which means that i have to run outside which i am not enjoying in the least!! :-P but i guess i will live. unfortunately i left my running tights at home, so i had to go out and buy new ones for FORTY bucks. holy shit....$40 for something i'm going to use for like, 5 days. damn. oh well

i am spending a good portion of my break at kimball....haha, observing 9th graders. i did my first observation today, and once i had actual subjects to observe, most of my notes were "stares blankly" and "flips hair".

frank i don't think your brother is in the class, but i really don't know what he looks like. so i couldn't tell ya. i'm pretty sure he is not one of my subjects though :-P

oh! i signed up for a 1/2 marathon on april 1st, which is going to be exciting.

i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing over the summer, and i'm taking very little initiative to figure it out. i should work on that.

and i'm living in allendale in the fall. which will be weird. maybe i'll have fewer trashy ghetto neighbors, though. and more cows and corn.

freedom!

2006-02-18T04:35:00Z

well! i just shaved my legs for the first time in...what? 6 or 8 weeks? yeeeah!!! i feel like a new woman! and it is amazing!!! haha, now i don't have to freak people out anymore when i am at the gym in shorts every day.

in other news....in my 6 mile workouts this week i realized that i've cut more than 10 minutes off of my time from when i did the 10K last summer, which is good cause to smile :)

lots of other good causes to smile...life is good!

not much else to say i guess....so long!

gahh

2006-01-10T18:39:32Z

so. i have an ear infection, and tonsilitis, and possibly strep and or mono. AWESOME!

i'm mega-excited for this great start to the semester. and yea...i ran a little over 5 miles yesterday and was gonna do a shorter one today and then 6 tomorrow...but NO RUNNING for a week, they say. fuck! fuck, indeed!

rarr. as the little kid i babysit says....i am NOT happy!

moving on...

2006-01-06T05:10:40Z

so its a new year! and everything has just been feeling rather blah...and basically just, stagnant in my life lately. and i was sick of it. SO. here's the new plan:

in may, i am running in a marathon. so from now to then, my new hobby is training and preparing.

hopefully in june, backpacking in europe with becca.

i haven't made a plan for july/august yet...and hopefully it won't be working at the palladium! with any luck, i will find a fabulous, challenging and fulfilling and well-paying job in g.r. this semester! (haha....like i had so much luck with that last semester...)

anyway....that's the plan. new classes are starting monday! i'm pretty excited. the new plan is to not buy books until after i've been to all of my classes...and to set a spending limit. this may result in a lot of time in the library using reserve text books. ah well. saving money is wonderful!

in other news....i spent my break in royal oak...i worked at the palladium which wasn't so bad, and was kinda fun. i got to see my family some...oh! and my brother got engaged on christmas for those who didn't know. so that's quite exciting :)

i never thought he'd get married before me. but i'm pretty sure now that i don't want to get married until i'm 30, so you know. i'm glad its him and not me! and i love his fiance.

soo...anybody in grand rapids area who likes to run...or even just do workouts...let me know! i will be needing some company and running buddies. i hope everyone had a fabulous holiday...perhaps i will be back on here in another month or two...if anything interesting happens to me ever.

Hey Mom, look what I learned in school!

2005-12-02T02:45:43Z

Here is a quiz...I found it online while I was researching sex addiction. This is a self-diagnosis test to determine whether or not you are a sex addict. Have at it, friends.

1.) Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
3.) Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
4.) Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
5.) Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
6.) Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
8.) Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
9.) Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
10.) Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
11.) Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
12.) Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
13.) Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
14.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
15.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
16.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
17.) Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
18.) Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
19.) Do you feel entitled to sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
20.) Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
21.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
22.) Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
23.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
24.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
25.) Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
26.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
27.) Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
28.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
29.) Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
30.) Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
31.) Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
32.) Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
39.) Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?
Yes [ ] No [ ]
40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?
Yes [ ] No [ ]

Honestly...as I thought about it...I could not decide whether it would be rewarding or not to hijack a revolving door, but I thoroughly enjoyed the comparison.

sleep is BEAUTIFUL! :)

2005-10-14T16:10:53Z

so yesterday (after being up for about 40 hours) I went to sleep as soon as I got home from class, at like 5:30. and my 8am class this morning was cancelled. it was amazing. I slept until about 10am :)

This weekend is seriously going to have to include a little less alcohol and a little more studying than previous weekends (or all of them). tonight i get to work at the fabulous Red Robin...and for all its perkiness, it is growing on me a little. I think I will at least stick with it for the semester, but hopefully after that I can find something a little more mellow. or less smiley, at least :-P

everything is pretty good otherwise in life too...

not much to say.

oh! i do need help coming up with a halloween costume! i am HORRIBLE at thinking of stuff, and it needs to be something that i can wear for work, too. anyway....all of you creative people, amaze me with your ideas now!!!

hurricanesssss

2005-09-23T16:29:39Z

This hurricane madness leaves me almost speechless. I am thinking about it, and can't verbalize any coherent thought. And I am kind of surprised that no one else has said anything about it...except what is there to say? So many people died and SO many people are homeless and sick from Katrina, and now here's all these people - some just moving back into their hurricane-destroyed "homes" - and now everyone is desperately trying to evacuate again. People leaving literally days before the expected arrival of the hurricane might not make it out, because there is just no way to get that many people out fast enough. There is literally no gas to power the cars to get them out of the area. There is NOTHING we can do. no America-quick-fix. We are not a country of people who are used to having problems that have no immediate solution. We assume that that is the way it should be. So when something happens, and you can't prevent it, and you can't outsmart it or outrun it....what do we do? We aren't a group of people who like to feel helpless.

they are saying rita is supposed to be worse than katrina...and i mean its always possible that it won't or that it will change direction or something...that it will be alright...but we just don't know. there isn't anything to do but wait.

here we all are getting upset about sitting in a traffic jam getting off campus, or missing a bus and being 10 minutes late to class. flipping out if we have to wait in a slow line for lunch, or if our gas prices go up 15 cents....i can't imagine what that must be like for people.

at least we HAVE gas to put in our cars. AND, i'm sure that wherever we are going, we are not going there to save our lives.

it seems like there HAS to be something we can do to help. something besides watching, and waiting...

this is so crazy. we are so lucky, here.

aeaue1000 @ 2005-09-20T21:52:00

2005-09-21T01:54:13Z

you wanna know whats gross? earwigs are gross!!

but you wanna know what is sweet? I rearranged my apartment and it is H-O-T hottttttttttttttttttttt! yeah, thats right.

ohhhh, yes, and my computer is all healed and well again, and I get to go retrieve it on sunday, and bonus, I get to retrieve it from my little cousin's 4th birthday party, hahah.

word.

At the risk of bringing this damn thing back to life...

2005-09-13T01:31:28Z

yeah. this is like the THIRD update in a week or something. that is crazy. but anyhow!

we all love nepotism, right? so my dad came to court with me, and they just erased my ticket. "oh, you were just speeding...its not like thats the worst thing you could do. i mean, look...you're going to speed a lot more in your life. its not a big deal." hahahha, ah, yes. a lovely time was had by all.

i stopped in at the palladium to pick up my check - and p.s. i will NEVER go back there to work again - but anyway, for the 3-5 of you who might actually care at all...jeanette quit! she walked off the job on friday night and that made me deliciously happy. fuck you, palladium. word.

anyway, i got my new car this weekend as well, and its very nice, though what to do with all of her stuff in the car is something of a disturbing predicament...:(

i got to see my becca, and nicole and ian all briefly, and may i say that the overall highlight was by far peeing in a public park, that is just a pure bonding experience (you can guess with whom i shared the park-peeing festivities) - plus emily, i sat and talked to your mom for like 1/2 an hour, haha. it was quite lovely. i did NOT get to see shae, though...lame! but its cool, since you are gonna come visit me :) yah?

luh luh luh....i am doing nothing but avoiding homework at this point. but anyway, i had an eventful weekend, and its nice to be back, save the whole "homework" and "classes". there were lots of giant spiders over my head today in the bus stop and i almost cried. maybe not quite. OH! that reminds me of how there was a huge spider in my parents house the other day and i crushed it with something but then it was still moving...and i kept trying to kill it, and it was in separate peices but the peices were still moving?!? gahhhh, like a leg, moving around completely of its own devices. augghhhhh!

ok, on that lovely note....:)

#$%&$#@&$

2005-09-09T04:12:56Z

gahhh, sometimes i am just so fucking stupid.

note to self....be, better.

Ah, vindication :)

2005-09-07T15:46:39Z

So, I had quite possibly the world's shortest career working as a "delivery driver" for the Papa John's in Allendale, during which time I never actually drove, or delivered pizza. I did, however make somewhere around $80...as well as acquiring 3 super gigantic Papa John's polo shirts in green, yellow, and red. I am offically a soon-to-be hostess at the soon-to-be Red Robin's out in Grandville, so hopefully that will go a little better and last a little longer than my pizza delivery girl life. I think I came as close to fulfilling any office-space-inspired dreams I have ever held for myself today, and it was quite refreshing. I hope they are excessively shorthanded tonight, and I will laugh...perhaps even order a pizza, or 50.

Andddd, my classes are going quite well - super busy! but good. Tomorrow I get to lead a class on the racist themes present in the movie Dangerous Minds. That should be interesting. And then I have to go back to good old Royal Oak...to good old 44th District Court. Ah, so many memories there :-p AND I get my new car!!!! :) Which means I can finally bid farewell to my LOVELY white(ish) cadillac once and for all. Many good memories there, as well...hah.

Not much more to say...I get my new hard drive this weekend, hooray! aaaaaaand, spiders are nocturnal.

Oh, so my power went out this morning as I was getting ready to go to class, at 6:30am...and it was sad. I think its back, but if not...haha, I could have blown out the power for my 2 neighbor apartments as well....buuuuuut, what are you gonna do? good story, yah?

I have no place for drama in my life, I have decided. And so it is, drama...I am done with you.

I have nothing interesting to say right now...I'm just avoiding homework. But I suppose I can find another means through which to procrastinate.

P.S. I only slept two hours last night, so don't blame me if I don't make sense. Blame someone else.

Word.

uh...school? with, like....books...??

2005-08-27T19:21:41Z

well well wellllllll

so i moved the rest of my things up to my apartment last week, and moved in...for a few days. haha.

then i came back home and worked at the palladium for another week. eww :-p but that's alright, because tonight is my last night, and i'm heading back to Grand Rapids tomorrow.

well, i have no cable and no internet in my apartment, which is a big adjustment, hah! but i'm living with it :) once i get my new hardrive (gah!!) installed on my computer in a couple of weeks, hopefully i will have slightly better luck with getting wireless access on campus and coffee shops, etc.

i get my "new" car in a couple of weeks!! :):):) which is great, because i don't think my poor caddie can make it too much longer. i think its only fitting that we have a farewell party for it, however. if you would like to send farewell presents....please make checks payable to Ashley Elisabeth Aue (aka Evelyn....don't ask).

luh luh luh....classes start monday, i don't know quite how i will manage getting to class by 8am?!?! clearly this is in no way a healthy or natural concept. we'll see how it goes, though. my apartment is really little, and extremely inconvenient...but i like it. nonetheless...i think i will look for another option for the winter semester.

ok, that was a completely necessary update right there. thanks for tuning in!

beehives and cigarettes

2005-08-02T15:13:37Z

so i moved into my new apartment!! :):):)

i'm back home now, i'm going to head back up to stay in a couple of weeks...i have one week left at the palladium!

so i had the craziest time ever trying to get this moving thing to work...packing the car at 3am and sleeping 2 hours before driving out there...assembling the bed COMPLETELY with one screw-driver (they can really multi-task)...the crazy screaming neighbors and some cops...a window that won't open in an approx. two square foot apartment...ahh, yeah.

all the screens were ripped, too...and in the non-opening window, some bees had made a happy little home. kind of like the happy home made by someone's half-rolled cigarettes in my dresser drawers. haha, but that's alright. and apparently the former occupant decided to share his or her shitty leftover kitchen utensils and crap?

the bugs that i killed crunched...so we're going to have to reneogiate our shared space, i think.

my next-door neighbor plays the clarinet 5 hours a day, and leaves his crap in piles in front of my door, and his bike blocks the front (shared) door, which doesn't always fit into the frame, so then the deadblot, which is the only lock on the door, doesn't go in.

:):):) i LOVE it!!!!!

can you help me unravel my latest mistake

2005-07-20T18:59:55Z

i've come to realize over the past year or two....guys say whatever the fuck they need to in order to get what they want.

the truth comes out later, or sometimes even immediately, and you realize that the person you thought was so great...was just...completely typical.

too bad girls fall for it. over and over again.

hello!

2005-07-12T19:35:38Z

well i totally don't have time to be updating right now, but i will anyway, because i feel like it!

so i got a massage today, and it was so wonderful. but not just any massage...a FREE massage! yes, so that was fabulous. and boy meets world is on right now, by the way, which makes me extremely happy, because that show just never gets old.

for those of you who i actually haven't told yet, i got an apartment!!! and its ALL FOR ME! i'm so excited. its a small studio in grand rapids, and i find it extremely lovely, and i'm very excited. i will have to commute into allendale for 8am classes a few days a week, which is a little rough, but what do i care? more to come on all of that.

lots more is going on right now, but that shall be kept under wraps in hopes of protecting the innocent :)

ok, well i'm off to work, and for those of you who don't know...i'm pretty sure i officially work at Initech now. (office space). yeah, so good luck to me and my co-workers on keeping our jobs...and if all else fails, i just might have to set the building on fire.

so long for now! maybe i'll lengthen this at some point!

damn!

2005-07-02T04:36:57Z

I am such a playa!!

he's gonna kiss me on the mouth so he's gotta marry me

2005-06-29T05:20:18Z

heehee, the title is part of a dolly parton song and it plays at work all the time, and it makes us laugh and laugh.

but anyway, i have an overabundance of energy right now, at 1am, and so i felt that my energy would best be put to use by informing all of you of all of the insignificant ways in which i choose to fill the hours of my life :)

so...since i last updated....i have worked a lot. one of my babysitting family's had a new baby, and tomorrow i get to go meet him! yay. ummmm....i started playing softball! which is funnnn, although i'm really bad, and i'm starting pilates on thursday! i went to grand valley...played on the beach...put in a couple of job applications, and realized that my housing search is utterly and completely hopeless, and put in an order for a cardboard box and a street corner for myself for the fall. :-P aaaaaaaaaand, i named a ferret, and rode on a vespa!! ohhh, and played lots of elementary school playground games.

OH, and i got to go see my friend's movie last week, which a bunch of people from kimball were in, and i thought it was awesome, and that was exciting. i am in such awe of people who can do things like write and direct movies...stuff i have no clue about! they amaze me. yeah.

other than THAT, its been really hot out...and i'm tired all the time from all the heat, i guess (except right now, when i have a ton of energy)...so i've been living in filth because i refuse to clean, because if i'm ever home - which is rare - i sleep. that being said, perhaps i should go clean my house now.

AND. my dad is driving in his "faster pastor" race this saturday night...which i still find endlessly amusing. and my mom leaves for scandinavia for 2.5 weeks on sunday morning!! which i think is really really cool. my parents are crazy, but they're still awesome.

that's my life! i KNOW you're all jealous.

OH, by the way, if you happen to read this soon.....i have a ticket for War of the Worlds at 4:15 Wednesday, and its in the screening room, which is our kickass theater. if you want it, you are welcome to it! well...first come first serve :) but yeah. the end.

i like a country song??

2005-06-16T20:49:25Z

la la la, life is good.

i'm just so happy with everything.

everything is entirely imperfect and uncertain, and that is what makes it so thrilling.

i'm 20! life SHOULD be exciting, nerve-wracking, and risky. what good is it if you always know what to expect? and if you plan everything out...i promise that your world will crash down around you at the first sign of change.

THAT is why i am just waiting till the future gets here to speculate as to what it holds for me. there's enough going on in the present to keep me plenty occupied.

this summer is going well - there are lots of people that i don't see enough of and i wish i did! so if you're one of them, call me and we will hang out!! but other than that, ya know, i work all the time, like normal. work is good, its always a little crazy, but i'm just completely embracing it because there are a lot of great people there, and who cares about all the crap? i'm leaving in 2 months, so i'm just enjoying the summer. and i just got promoted about a week ago, so my paychecks should make me happier soon too ;)

so baaasically, i am just loving summer while it lasts, loving everyone around me, even the people who make me crazy, and loving everything that is so incredibly uncertain.

uncertainty means that you have options!

i'm so excited to go back to grand valley in the fall, and i think i'm going out there to sign a lease soon, so its ALMOST like i finally have somewhere to live! haha, but i know better by now than to count on that!

anyway, i can only hope that life is still so uncertain at 40, or 80, because it makes things pretty great!

big, long, rambling entry

2005-06-11T23:38:21Z

So I got these somerset gift cerificate things...and they expire after a year, and i never ever EVER go there, so today i decided i would collect all the gift certificates i had for that place, and go up there.

UNFORTUNATELY, i didn't spend them, which means i have to go back later, haha. well, i couldn't bring myself to try on clothes over my hardcore sunburns, so that was part of it. but oh well.

i don't know why, but for some reason whenever i go to somerset (well, come on....whenever i do anything...ever, pretty much) i can't help but start marvelling at everything around me, and - and i said to my dad, since giving this up is now on my to-do list :)..."pondering our culture from a sociological perspective".

but seriously. its just so crazy to walk around this extravagant, wealthy wealthy wealthy mall, with all of its designer stores, and expensive clothes,and shoes, and purses, and food, and furniture, and toys....and all of these rich people, hurrying in and out of stores, or valet parking their cars, sitting by the fountain, watching their kids play on play structures nicer than most schools or parks have, listening to the music and the people, smelling the expensive colognes...its just such an experience. this is the culture that we live in. and i keep thinking, like, this is what is supposed to feel "normal" to me...and what - more or less - does feel normal. its funny to think about what is normal and natural and necessary for people in different time periods and cultures and regions. i've been reading this book which kind of traces the history of philosophy, and its really interesting, and it kind of gets me thinking about stuff like that...what is common and accepted at one time, and how it changes, and how we all adapt to whatever era, region, culture, class we happen to be born into.

then....i started walking into clothing stores, and i started thinking about ANOTHER aspect of society, and that is perceptions on what is beautiful, expectations and standards of beauty in different societies. it seems like its always been women who were "supposed to" be beautiful. male bodies are usually not harped on much in society - and when they are it is for strength, rather than beauty. but women are always supposed to be beautiful. this raises the question, then...what IS beauty? what makes one woman beautiful and another not?

so i went into all the normal clothing stores today, like express, limited,blah blah, whatever. and you know what? the next time i am looking for a new outfit for my anorexic mannequin - i know where to go! i mean...popular clothing is made to fit certain types of bodies, and we make mannequins to model these clothes - just to show us EXACTLY how we are supposed to look when wearing them, so that in case anyone wasn't sure - they definitely don't look right.

the obvious model of beauty in our society is stick-thin. it hasn't ALWAYS been that way, but that is what is "in" here and now. all women who want to succeed in careers in the public eye (well, actually in careers almost anywhere) tend to achieve and maintain their success with size zero dresses, and XS shirts. thin is seen as powerful and beautiful. and everyone strives for that.

its funny, because i know i've lost a lot of weight over the past few months, and actually i've realized that some people have started worrying about me and wondering if i am losing too much weight or trying too hard to lose weight.

the thing is, i'm not trying to lose weight at all, and it is kind of nice because i feel healthier and everything...but now that i have lost the weight, it made me think again about the idea that skinner=prettier in our society, and how bizarre that is, and how much i disagree. i am basically happy with the way i look, on most days, but i don't feel any different about myself in a size 6 than i did a few months ago in a size 14. i know that i look different, but i don't really think that there is anything "better" about being smaller; i was basically happy with the way i looked, on most days, before, too. its just different.

and i think its funny that everyone gets so excited and congradulatory about losing weight. even during an "obesity epidemic".

there's another thing that is funny. we live in such an instant gratification society, that we've all become dangerously and disgustingly overweight, and we think its completely "normal" and even expected that we ought to be able to "eat more, exercise less, and lose weight!" we feel entitled to all the pleasures of life, without any of the responsibilities, limits, or consequences.

we go to such lengths to create instant happiness and perfection for ourselves, and yet it seems that no one is happy.

so here is my advice, world:

eat
exercise
dance
smile
laugh
cry
forgive
run around
sing
sleep
love
risk
relax

and then give everybody you see a great big hug! (except for me, because there is still a no touching rule in effect until my sunburn clears up!)

that is all. if you have completed the reading this entry in full, you now possess all the wisdom of the universe, and are fully authorized to take over the world.

go!

bitches and hoes!

2005-06-07T01:07:24Z

so, the other day, i was riding home from frankenmuth with nothing to do, and so i started thinking. haha, yeah, its a last resort, but you know.

so anyway...i was just thinking about how i really hate the terms "bitch", "slut", "whore", and any others like them. they are used so frequently in society that we are completely desensitized to them...but they are incredibly demeaning terms. i do not like when men use any of these words to refer to women, whether in kidding or not. and i also do not like it when we refer to ourselves in this way.

its kind of like the word "nigger". a term that refers to a certain group of people, singling them out in a negative respect, demeaning them. it was used to depersonalize black people - just as bitch, slut, whore, etc are used to depersonalize women. and NOW...black people refer to themselves as niggers, and women refer to themselves as bitches, claiming that this "takes the power away" from the former "oppressors".

i disagree, however. using a term that signifies negative characteristics in a person, linking these characteristics to the race or gender to which that person belongs is just demeaning. if someone is being a "bitch", we mean that they are being rude, or selfish or uncaring...etc. something to that effect. i fully admit to having these characteristics at times...but is it because i am female? why should my gender be at blame for my own shortcomings? and if a person is a "slut" or "whore"...we mean that she is promiscuous, or dresses inappropriately. so why not say that? are we not intelligent enough to simply point out the specific issues that we have with an individual? or is it simply easier to generalize that person, and their entire gender by linking these qualities or behaviors solely to being female.

i have certainly found myself in the position of refering to other women as "trashy", "slutty", "skank", etc....and now reflecting on that...i mean, what is it that made them "be" that way in the first place? i feel really bad for girls who - thinking that by dressing provocatively or being quick to sleep with a guy - they would win him over. they are the girls who get a guy for a night or two, and then he doesn't want to call her anymore...because not like he really wants a relationship with that kind of girl. and so this girl is left wondering why he doesn't return her calls when she actually wants to go out and spend time with him, feel loved and important.

we have all been in the situation - men and women - of wanting to feel loved, and special. and none of us knows how, entirely, to deal with that. so why then do we turn our backs on people who we see struggling with the same exact thing? why do we like to stand together and point out someone who is already suffering? maybe that is how we feel more important.

but anyway. i think it is ridiculous. and i think that we need to stop using terms that generalize, depersonalize, and demean one another. not because women need protecting...but because its wrong whoever it is, and it IS women that this happens to. its often women doing it to themselves, in fact. i don't buy the argument that it is in any way empowering for women to call themselves bitches, or for black men and women to call themselves niggers. i see this as disrespecting oneself. i know people disagree with me, but thats ok. this is my opinion. calling women bitches, sluts, and whores shows a lack of intelligence, a lack of sensitivity towards individual women, and a lack of respect for people in general.

so i say, stop it!

finality is never final

2005-05-31T17:27:08Z

SO, i most definitely do NOT have an apartment for the fall. haha.

this could create some slight difficulty for me, huh?

ah well. the search begins!!

but yes. so today is my first day off from the palladium is so long and it is unbelievably enjoyable. i had to get up early and take the littleguys to school like normal, and then i've just been relaxing, running errands, etc.

my mom and i went over to marie's apartment today to put some "finishing touches" on it, i guess, before the realtor comes to prepare to sell it and all. also we were deciding on things that we wanted (furniture and such)....gah. the last time i was there was a year ago and she was "getting ready to move" (or planning for this...even then?) and so getting rid of some things, and there was this chair that i kept meaning to come over and pick up, so anyway, i never did, and so i guess now i'm entitled to a chair, ha. although now that...you know, she's not here to keep the stuff that she wants, i ended up picking a different chair. its really hot - she had SO much cool stuff, her apartment is just freaking amazing. but at the same time, oh man it was weird to be over there. gah, its creepy....like seriously a little bit morbid thinking about some of the stuff, i don't know. but yeah.

so i guess i'm kinda thinking about all of that again now just because its been coming up so much, and its ok i mean i'm fine and everything...there's just SO much story. and it keeps unfolding. and every time more of it unfolds? its crazy. i still haven't quite wrapped my mind about it, i don't think. though its been....3 or 4 months now? well anyway. thats all i have on that for now.

but anyway, right now i am enjoying my lovely relaxing afternoon, and i'm up at the coffee beanery (gah! though this is one of "marie's places", too....:-p) but i'm just having some coffee and lunch, and enjoying a little bit of internet time finally. funny how i used to use our internet ALL the time, and i hadn't used it in about a week just cause i was working and running and out and about so much and somewhere in the course of that week our internet broke, so now its been more like 2 weeks since i've really had access to it. i think it got mad at me for ignoring it :-P oh well, it happens!

my life

2005-05-28T22:29:43Z

ohhh my. i've been quite busy lately. and i haven't seen or talked to any of you livejournalers in quite a while, i do believe.

i have not had a day off from work at the palladium since....sometime before star wars came out. so at least a week and a half. and i think that my next day off (from there) is in about 4 or 5 days. SO. i'm excited for that.

yeah, so i am going crazy about school for the fall, because i'm kinda really excited to be going to grand valley and doing something new...but at the same time now its like i have all these friends at wayne, and friends at work...and i really didn't keep in touch much at all at gvsu, so i have supposed roommates who don't even communicate with me - so i don't know that i even have an apartment - and then i have emily. i am excited to be meeting new people and all, but its a little nerve-wracking to be "starting over" again...cause obviously there are people i know there, but no one i talk to much or hang out with. bah, i don't know. and yeah. but anyway, i ramble a lot because i'm tired. i know i want to get away, and i know that the program will be good, and i'm sure i'll end up having fun. i'm just, thinking too much.

so since i've been living at the palladium, here are some things that i have learned...

there are some people there, and some things about working there that i really really love.

there are other things and people there, that i really really hate! gah!

jello shots before work is NEVER a good idea, no matter how fun it seems at the time, or how good it tastes. and going to a "party" after work at 3 when you work again at 9 is also somewhat silly.

that, however, was filled with nothing more than me babysitting some drunken children, some strange phone calls, and a few incredibly awkward moments. and about an hour and a half of sleep before work this morning.

irresponsiblity and selfishness is RAMPANT, and makes me crazy. for instance! today we got a list finally after much confusion about who was coming in to work....and there were SIX names of people who were just not showing up that night.

most of whom i think should be fired. but of course they won't, because every selfish kid there gets their way. :-p

but anyway, i am rambling and ranting now and who the hell cares about this stuff? i have had no sleep.

i do not work tonight. i am going to sleep, but then i want to go out.

if any of you read this? you should call me tonight. and we can go out. and stuff.

yup.

ok.

word.

ashley: out.

vomit: its the topic of the week!

2005-05-19T04:59:25Z

you know how some people cry to get out of things, like speeding tickets?

i think maybe i throw up to get out of things like work. haha :-p

but good thing that i have friends (or people that i don't even know??) who will buy me pepto-bismol and bring it to me while i sell tickets to crazy, costumed star wars fanatics.

and having a "tummy-ache cocktail" surrounding my register by the end of the night, haha. that was great too. fyi, such a cocktail includes, liquid pepto-bismol, green tea, water, sprite, and whatever else people decide that you need when you are a throw-up-to-get-out-of-work-er. orrr, just me :-p

forget regret, or life is yours to miss

2005-05-18T21:14:23Z

how is it possible to look back on things that you've done, and seeing how incredibly wrong you were for whatever reason, and realizing that you have caused pain to other people, and to yourself, and not regret it?

how is it possible to let go of guilt, let go of anger?

i'm not sure...but what i know is that i have plenty of good things going on in my life, plenty of great friends old and new, and lots of opportunities ahead. i have exciting things to look forward to in the fall - albeit all still rather uncertain at this point - and i don't want to stress out about all the little details.

i WANT to live in the moment, forget about past mistakes of my own, and forgive those of others.

i'm not always really good at that.

i don't know. none of this makes sense, i don't know what i'm talking about, i just am feeling like even though there's plenty of good stuff going on and i'm mostly really happy with life....meh.

i guess sometimes you just need a friend to cry with.

i know i have some of those, i just need to go find one of them.

wow....talk about a melodramatic post. oh well :-p